Why a blog...

When I was younger and in college I had a blog. It was basically a place where I posted about my adventures in single life, the trips, the best friends, the concerts, the moments that were always high and always good.  I try to make social media a place where I celebrate the good, great, and amazing things going on in life.  I keep it positive and don't see it as a place where I vent or complain because quite frankly when I get on social media I expect to see those same positive kinds of posts from everyone else.  So when life handed me a trial so big and so heartbreaking I didn't know if I could handle it. I debated on using the social media platform as a place to share it.  It didn't match my typical celebrations of life full of laughs and smiles.  It wouldn't necessarily be uplifting to my followers/friends and may actually make them cry rather than smile with me.  I debated.

I decided to write a post for a rather selfish reason.  The idea of having to share and relive the moments of my trial over and over again with every person I ran into, saw, asked questions, or reached out seemed unbearable.  I wanted the word to get out in one blast so I everyone would know and I wouldn't have to live in social isolation with the fear of seeing someone who didn't know.  I bawled through the writing of my post... how much detail to I give, how vague do I write it, what pictures should I attach, how long should it be... I felt like it had to be the right amount of information to not generate too many questions, but at the same time not be a novel that gets passed over.  I swear it took me an hour to write it, and rewrite it.  My husband read it for approval since he was going to be attached to it as well and I wanted to make sure he was comfortable with the information I was sharing.  With a literal tear stained face I posted this personal, emotional, and down unbearable moment in my and my husbands life. The post read like this:

The post went to Instagram and to Facebook and the response I received was overwhelming with support and love.  Messages, texts, and comments flooded my notifications and I found comfort in the words of so many.  Many "friends" I haven't talked to in years- decades- in some cases reaching out and giving their love and support.  I have to apologize to all of those who wrote and I didn't respond to your comment or text.  The reading of your messages brought me to tears and truly filled me with an optimism and strength that I really need so much.  The writing back to all of you really seemed hard, I didn't know what to say, and no "thank you" seemed strong enough.  

I felt the love from all those who loved me, and in turn they all loved my daughter.  No one was able to meet her, or hold her, or kiss her tiny feet, but their love for me translated to their love for her.  

So why a blog... I just said writing the post was a long, agonizing, and emotional journey for me, and it was, but it showed me something really powerful and something that I want to always remember.  It showed me that I AM NOT ALONE.  I should really say WE are not alone because as much as this is my journey is it also my sweet husband's journey.  

We are not alone means so many things to me:  

1.  My God, My Savior, My Comforter- I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and I know I am not alone.  I know God has a plan and my prayers are heard, my tears are a silent (sometimes loud) cry to my Heavenly Father for peace.  In a time when I could be feeling so alone, so abandoned by my God, I instead feel surrounded by his angels (my girl included) and lifted up in His love and support. 

2. My husband.  It is our trial.  Mike and I haven't been married for very long, almost 9 months and if I thought I loved him 9 months ago, it is nothing to the love that I have for him 9 months later.  He is my rock and strength when I am weak.  He keeps me smiling, and at the same time lets me cry.  It is an amazing feeling to feel so accepted and loved with no conditions.  Harper and I are lucky to have him, and I will brag more about him later :) 

3. My family.  They cried with me, and when I couldn't make decisions or phone calls or anything else they stepped up.  Harper is their granddaughter, niece, and cousin, and they grieved with me and were strong when I couldn't be.  

4. My friends. Near and far. Flowers, notes, texts, phone calls, check ins, meals... We are loved. They are with me. 

5. Friends and Strangers.  Sorrow and grief are emotions most have felt in their life.  One of the most impactful things I have had happen to me since losing Harper is the stories of other people.  I am not alone in this journey.  While all the stories are different- a miscarriage, a stillborn like Harper, a loss of a child at various ages, the pains of infertility, and many more- the feelings are similar and there is something powerful in the connection it forms between people.

So... why a blog... I want to tell my story in detail. I never want to forget the moments we had with Harper and I want to share it with whoever wants to read it. I have never been a journal writer, but I don't want to ever forget the little details of those 6 months of pregnancy and 14 hours of time I got with my girl.  I want a place to write my feelings that isn't posted for all to read (social media) and is sometimes not shiny and pretty, but is real and life changing.  So bear with me because I'm going back to the beginning.