There is something about the whole specialist experience that gave me serious anxiety. As if, as a first time mother, I wasn't already highly aware of my baby and worried about all the many things that could go wrong. I know what a miracle a perfect healthy baby is, and with the test results looming over me every day it was hard to be positive and hope for the best. After this appointment, it was even more difficult.
The appointment started out pretty normal. Take my blood pressure (which is always high from that said anxiety I have at the specialist), and set me up for the ultrasound. The tech came in, did some measurements, checked for heartbeat, all pretty standard. It was around this time that I found out I had an anterior placenta, which just meant that the placenta was above the baby, so I was told it would be more difficult for me to feel the baby's movements- which really made me sad because all I wanted was to experience everything with this little girl.
So the ultrasound tech finishes and lets me know that the doctor would be in shortly. A women comes in with the geneticist who I recognize from our last appointment, but the doctor is a different person (another thing I disliked- different doctors every time at the specialist). This doctor, if you can believe it, had an even worse beside manner than the first. She said A LOT to us, and I don't even know if I can remember everything, but I will try to put into a bulleted list all that was said.
- She said-Our baby wasn't growing- she was measuring a few weeks behind, and hadn't made much growth from our previous appointment.
- They believe I have what is called a "sick placenta" (my dad is a doctor, and my sister is a nurse and they hadn't ever heard is phrased like that)
- A sick placenta meant that there was a problem with it giving my baby the nourishment she needed. So she was falling behind.
- They also were worried that it could affect my health as well, causing me to be sick, potential organ failure, and other things that I don't remember because I was still in shock that this was the conversation we were having.
- She said- what typically happens with a sick placenta is the baby will sent the nourishment to the head and the heart to keep developing while the belly and limbs won't causing abnormal growth which she was seeing in my baby.
- She said- If the baby decides that it isn't getting enough nourishments it all reject all the nourishment and die in the womb.
- She said- If the baby makes it to 24 weeks we could possible be in for an early delivery where the baby has a 50% chance of survival outside of the womb with the focus and concern being on lung development. The baby would need to weigh at least 400 grams for them to consider and early delivery, but the goal would be to keep her inside as long as possible.
- She was worried about me developing preeclampsia which would effect my health and baby.
- She also mentioned that many mothers, at hearing this news, consider termination of the pregnancy. 😲
I was without words. Shocked, emotional, overwhelmed. I was crying though most of that appointment. A little emotional, and a lot confused- was I not hearing a perfect heartbeat from what looked like a perfect little girl? She had all 10 fingers and all 10 toes. She was small, but aren't babies at 21 weeks small? It was a lot for me and Mike to handle. The geneticist took us into a conference room for more talk, but it was just a blur. What I wanted was an answer. What should I expect? What is really wrong with her or me? And no one could tell me. There were many statements of what could be, but not very many of what it is.
The plan we made was that I would go into my doctor every week for a blood pressure check for me and a heart beat check for baby. In 4 weeks we would come for a growth check to see how she is progressing and make the next decision from there. Keep in mind these decisions were made with Lauren, the geneticist, not the doctor. I, again, left disappointed and anxious about what was happening or not happening with my baby.
A couple days later I had an appointment scheduled with my primary OB. We went in and told him what the specialist said, and he seemed a little shocked. He pulled back up her notes on the ultrasound and while all those things seemed to be a possibility he thought it was too early to make a call. 20-21 weeks, babies are small, hard to see and with time we would know more.
What I was feeling at this time was similar to maybe the angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other. Here I was hearing form 2 doctors telling me somewhat different answers. I had one who was used to looking at healthy babies saying to give it time. I had another who is used to looking for problems dooming myself to sickness and my baby to death- even suggesting to terminate the pregnancy.
I should mention here that again I have an amazing husband. Through all this he kept reminding me to stay positive. Reminding me that she had a strong heartbeat and this was all unknown. He was strong for me, but I knew he was upset too. He was mad at the specialist for her cold approach and wasn't sure we should go back. For the next 4 weeks we went weekly to the doctors, checking my health as well as baby girl's. All seemed to be okay.
I want to mention my mental state at this point. My initial joy and excitement of being pregnant began to be covered with anxiety and fear of the unknown. I had no control over what was going to happen. There was no magic pill to fix my placenta or to nourish my baby. It was out of my hands. I found myself not even wanting to talk about my pregnancy. People would ask me how I was feeling, etc, and a couple times I even told people "don't even ask". Was I preparing for the worst and hoping for the best? I honestly think I was trying to whether I was successful or not- I don't know.
The plan we made was that I would go into my doctor every week for a blood pressure check for me and a heart beat check for baby. In 4 weeks we would come for a growth check to see how she is progressing and make the next decision from there. Keep in mind these decisions were made with Lauren, the geneticist, not the doctor. I, again, left disappointed and anxious about what was happening or not happening with my baby.
A couple days later I had an appointment scheduled with my primary OB. We went in and told him what the specialist said, and he seemed a little shocked. He pulled back up her notes on the ultrasound and while all those things seemed to be a possibility he thought it was too early to make a call. 20-21 weeks, babies are small, hard to see and with time we would know more.
What I was feeling at this time was similar to maybe the angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other. Here I was hearing form 2 doctors telling me somewhat different answers. I had one who was used to looking at healthy babies saying to give it time. I had another who is used to looking for problems dooming myself to sickness and my baby to death- even suggesting to terminate the pregnancy.
I should mention here that again I have an amazing husband. Through all this he kept reminding me to stay positive. Reminding me that she had a strong heartbeat and this was all unknown. He was strong for me, but I knew he was upset too. He was mad at the specialist for her cold approach and wasn't sure we should go back. For the next 4 weeks we went weekly to the doctors, checking my health as well as baby girl's. All seemed to be okay.
I want to mention my mental state at this point. My initial joy and excitement of being pregnant began to be covered with anxiety and fear of the unknown. I had no control over what was going to happen. There was no magic pill to fix my placenta or to nourish my baby. It was out of my hands. I found myself not even wanting to talk about my pregnancy. People would ask me how I was feeling, etc, and a couple times I even told people "don't even ask". Was I preparing for the worst and hoping for the best? I honestly think I was trying to whether I was successful or not- I don't know.
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