June 2019

Summer is always a blur, and it came and went just as quickly as it usually does. Our June was filled with family and sun.

June 2nd, I took another pregnancy test- because truthfully I was in denial. I did not believe those tests one bit. Sure I was feeling a little different, had now take 3 tests that all confirmed my pregnancy, but there was no way.  I was not convinced.  I think part of my heart was afraid to get excited, I was afraid to get connected or my emotions involved in this pregnancy.   I was still grieving Harper, still taking trips to the cemetery to cry by myself, and still healing everything.

June gave us much to celebrate. Father's Day- which was just as hard as mothers day, maybe worse for me because I was the one taking care of Mike and helping him to feel the love and excitement of being a dad, when we both knew it was heartbreaking.  I made him his favorite dinner of steak, twice baked potatoes, and asparagus. He will always request this for any holiday- this or Thanksgiving dinner haha!

I got him a new ring with and engraving in the inside that said "Daddy of Harper girl" I had received a necklace from my coworkers to wear as a keepsake and reminder of our girl, and I wanted him to have something too. He rotates between his wedding ring and that ring depending on the day.  Little reminders of our little girl.


The month was full of family things including my niece Madelyn's baptism, fun with grandpa in town, Pleasant Grove Strawberry Days- which included us just going to the fair and getting strawberries and cream, and an extended family reunion at Cherry Hill- all while feeling pretty nauseous and hiding it from everyone.

We ended the month with a move! When Mike and I got married he moved into my apartment. It was small and old, but it was cheap and we liked having that low rent when we were first getting settled into our life together.  After losing Harper we were ready for something new.  Not because we wanted to forget what had happened in our life in that apartment, or anything we just needed something fresh.  Our life was continuing and we needed something to be ours, not mine that he moved into.  So we found a new townhome in American Fork that was just what we wanted.  It was brand new and no one had lived in it before. It had a two car garage which Mike was so excited about so he could do wood working with all his tools, and work on cars.  It was a perfect fit, so we packed up and moved.  This was moving day, and while I could do some moving, I was trying my best to not move heavy things, and also not give off any vibe to my brothers and father who were helping us move that I wasn't really doing any heavy lifting.  I really doubt that I would have done much even if I wasn't pregnant because they were AMAZING and moving all our stuff for most the day.  We went for In-n-out burger after as a thank you, but it will never be enough.  Also, next time we move, we will hire people, no way we will put our family through that again!

This is also the month I went for my 8 or 9 week intake appointment at the doctors office where they confirmed that I actually was pregnant.  It was starting to feel real, but I was still struggling to believe it.  The nurse at the intake appointment told me she understood why I would have a hard time accepting it or believing it, and offered that I go get an ultrasound to see the baby and hear the heartbeat. She said she had had a miscarriage and when she was pregnant with the next baby she was really assured with ultrasounds.  I thought that sounded great so I made an appointment for a 10 week ultrasound.  Our first pictures of our little one! 

May, Mother's Day, and Montana

May brought something that I dreaded, Mother's Day.  So quickly after our loss it was hard to celebrate our eternal family and recognize that I was a mother, even if I didn't have my baby with us. So the day was hard. We took the day off of church, listening to talks on motherhood, seeing all the mothers and families would have been too much for me.  I cried in sacrament meeting looking at the babies when it wasn't Mother's Day, so we took a day to ourselves.  Mike got me a beautiful bracelet, flowers and a potted plant, which he did such a great job keeping alive!! I am TERRIBLE with plants, they die like within a week. I'm just not attentive enough to them, but Mike did a great job, we kept it alive for a long time!  We went to visit our girl, cry together, and share my flowers with her.  It is not the first mothers day I expected I would have, but it was my day with my family.

Not getting any younger...

So after word from the doctor that our experience with Harper wasn't something we should expect with a future pregnancy, we decide we weren't getting any younger and starting our family here on Earth was something we really wanted. That being said, we decided we wouldn't not try to get pregnant. We would let nature run its course. In the meantime we were going to make the most of an eventful spring we had planned!

A New Club

Whether I like it or not, I am in a new club of women.  A group defined by loss, grief, strength, and hope. I didn't ask to join this group and all our stories and experiences are very different.  On social media this month I have seen many people, myself included, post or repost about October being Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.  I shared a post on my social media that I am going to repost here. They aren't my words, but I share their sentiments.

"October is pregnancy/infant loss awareness month. 1 in 4 women will experience pregnancy loss. That’s too many. Too many women who have to suffer this heartache. You are seen. Your feelings are valid and how you cope is nobodies business. I’m not ashamed to say I am 1 in 4 anymore. Thankful for the support team I have around me and all the loving people I have had in my life throughout this healing process. It’s okay to be sad and to scream and yell, but it’s also okay to be happy and find joy in life after loss. Loss makes you love harder, love more, love selflessly. Loss teaches you that life is never promised. Loss teaches you anxiety. Loss gives you anxiety. But loss also makes you stronger. It teaches you that you can go on to be okay, to cope. It’s okay to not be okay. Some days are easier than others. Some days a toddler in the store, the age yours should be, smiles at you, and it hits you really hard and you cry all the way home. Grief comes in waves. Better days will come."

Will I ever know?

I must apologize for the absence, I took the summer time to be with my husband, move, work, and enjoy the slower pace of life, but I'm back and hoping to continue my story. Thanks for sticking with me.


Following Harper's funeral life continued on. I won't say it went back to normal.. it will never be as it once was and I don't want it to.  Mike returned to work the Monday after Harper's funeral. He was given grievance pay for the week he was off, but he had to go back.  Did he need more time? I think so, but he likes to be busy so he jumped back into work and worked his butt off the next few weeks bringing in more hours than he had in a long time.

Celebrating Harper

Leaving the hospital without Harper was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.  The week following was one of the hardest weeks of my life, if not the hardest.  A few things played a role into why it was so hard.

1.  Grief

The obvious one is the grief my husband and I were going through from losing our baby.  The future plans that had to be redesigned, the feeling of loss and hopelessness.  I honestly think we did a pretty good job at not letting ourselves slip into the grief.  We both weren't working so we had a lot of quality time together. I cried a lot, he was strong- probably for me.  We reflected, we prayed, we tried to stay positive, and we thanked our Heavenly Father for the time we had with her and the knowledge we would get to be with her again.

I would often find myself wrapping my hands around my belly like I did when I was pregnant only to realize and have to remind myself that she wasn't there.  I missed her and my body missed her.  I found myself crying over that longing and missing the most.

2.  My body

February 24th- Happy Birthday my Harper girl

*** This is draft 2 of this post. I had it all typed up and then hit to publish it, and learned that I was signed into the wrong email address, not the one associated with this blog, and lost the whole thing.  It is a hard post to have to write twice, I took a Saturday and went to see Harper to rewrite it.  I am trying to go to the cemetery more now that it is warming up, and in a hope that it becomes a more normal thing in my life. I am going to put the picture I took on this post, but I want you to know that I look totally composed in the picture, but in reality it is a very emotional experience for me to sit with my daughter and write. So bear with me and any mistakes there might be in this post, because I did not proof read it.

This is the post that I find the hardest to write. This is the post where we met Harper, officially.  This is also the post where we said goodbye to Harper. Or in our belief, we said "see you soon" to Harper.

This post will be long. I am going to try to include as many details as I can, for my memories sake mostly, but also to share my story. I am going to put some pictures in this post of Harper, and more than just her darling tiny feet (which is what I typically share).  If that makes you uncomfortable, this is your warning. :)