Following Harper's funeral life continued on. I won't say it went back to normal.. it will never be as it once was and I don't want it to. Mike returned to work the Monday after Harper's funeral. He was given grievance pay for the week he was off, but he had to go back. Did he need more time? I think so, but he likes to be busy so he jumped back into work and worked his butt off the next few weeks bringing in more hours than he had in a long time.
I, on the other hand, was still physically recovering. I wouldn't go back to work for a month, after clearance from the doctor. He wanted all my physical symptoms to be healed as well as enough time for my emotional healing. Although I'm not sure my emotional healing will ever be healed.. I'd say managed. At the 2 week post delivery I went in for my doctors appointment mostly for him to sign my medical leave paperwork, but I also had questions.
Pretty much since 17 weeks we had been living in a world of unknown. Unknown and unexplained. Test results.. but a perfect looking baby. Growth problems, but not sure why. So after losing my baby and going through what I went through I, of course, wanted answers. I wanted someone to tell me why it happened. I wanted to be assured that it wouldn't happen again, or told I would have to do something different for it not to happen again. Give me a magic pill, tell me to eat only vegetables, give me something.
Well at 2 weeks postpartum I didn't get answers. I asked if her autopsy results were in and only the initial report had come through. The initial report saying she looked perfect. All development seemed normal for a 22 week baby. I was 25 weeks, but she was delayed in growth. The pathology report wouldn't be in for another 60 days, and my doctor wasn't sure it would tell us much. We decided that in the meantime we would try to get answers in other ways. We would do blood tests on me to eliminate possible things I could have/carry that would have influenced my pregnancy. Perhaps the answer lied there. It took a few days for those results to come back and when they did- all reports were normal. There wasn't anything wrong with me that caused us to lose her. This caused me some mixed feelings. I was grateful there wasn't something in my body that would make it difficult to have a baby, but it left me again without an answer. So the mystery remained.
More and more time passed and I started to believe that I would have to accept the fact that I might never know why we lost Harper. In the weeks that followed our loss, I spent many hours in tears. Grieving, processing, just being sad, whatever it might have been I was feeling it. My poor husband would go to work and come home to help take care of me. Our people and family were amazing! Dinners were provided, flowers sent, cards and letters of support. I felt all of that love.
As days turned to weeks, I was healing both physically and emotionally. Mike and I spent a lot of time with my family who were able to treat us normally, and had stopped looking at us with sad eyes or concerned looks. As hard as it was things were going back to normal. We were figuring out how to go back to those little things that had lost all importance after our loss.
I went back to work on March 27th. I actually had to ask my doctor for an exception because he wanted me to take the full 6 weeks of recovery time, and that would mean the second week of April. The first week of April, however, was Spring Break and I was hoping that going back a couple of days before Spring Break would get the initial "I'm back" moments over with and I could return after the week off just as everyone else is and be as normal as possible. I found comfort in the normal. After a month or so of living in fear of seeing someone knew and having to explain or assure them that I was okay, I longed for the time when I could see someone and not see that pain in their eyes for me. I should clarify, it isn't because I don't appreciate the sympathy and concern. I definitely had moments where I needed all of that, and I NEVER want to ever give the appearance that I wanted Harper to be forgotten or blocked or ignored or anything of that nature. What I needed was someone to crack a joke, someone to tell me a story about their life that they might think isn't important but its what I needed and looked for. I remember going to my lash girl pretty soon after Harper's passing for a lash fill and going into her studio and listening for almost the entire appointment to her stories of what had been happening, or funny family things, or movies she had seen. She had paused in the beginning to let me know that she was going to continue talking not because she wasn't aware of me or thinking of me, but because she wanted to almost distract me and help keep my mind somewhere else. She was probably saving herself from a potential cry fest that would in turn ruin the perfect work she was doing, but her awareness and forethought of my mental state and need was really appreciated.
I don't know if I will ever be able to put into words exactly what I was needing or wanting, but going back to work a few days before a break gave me the ability to grieve with my coworkers (friends). I know they love me and in turn loved Harper and in their own way it was a loss for them too. At the same time, I also wanted to give them permission to be normal, and in my mind at the time that was done by being there for 3 days before a break, and returning with them after. It wasn't a perfect plan, but I actually think it worked out perfectly. I was excited to see them all again, and to have purpose. I think one of the hardest parts in the whole situation was having to be home on essentially my maternity leave without my baby to care for. There was a necessary time for my body and heart to heal, but I was ready to feel needed and busy and productive.
The first day back was as good as I could have imagined. Many hugs, tears, and love that I needed and appreciated. There were gifts and notes left for me on my desk and all I decided to take home and read/open because there was absolutely no way I would be able to keep my composure while thinking of my Harper girl. For the most part I returned back to normal, the busy time of the last 2 month of school. As much as I could I was feeling normal.
I am not sure exactly on the timeline, but I'd say by the end of April I received a phone call from my doctor while I was at school. Thankfully with my position I was able to go into my office and close the door to have this conversation. He had the results from the autopsy and pathology reports on my sweet girl. He reported that the reason for her passing was caused by a problem with the umbilical cord. He told me that where the cord entered her abdomen there had been a "tightening growth" that basically blocked the blood flow so she wasn't receiving all the nutrients she needed to grow and thrive.
He explained that this was a rare occurrence and that in over 20 years of his practice he had never seen something like this. A one in a million chance happening. He expressed that is wasn't something genetic, and basically that he didn't foresee it happening again in a future pregnancy and gave us the go ahead, when mentally and physically in a good place to try again. The hope of a family wasn't totally gone, and this was something to celebrate. I, of course, had to fight those thoughts of fear and anxiety, and I did find myself saying "Well if we were the one in a million, what stops something else from happening again?" Mike is really good at reminding me to be positive and not lose that hope or let fear overpower me.
More and more time passed and I started to believe that I would have to accept the fact that I might never know why we lost Harper. In the weeks that followed our loss, I spent many hours in tears. Grieving, processing, just being sad, whatever it might have been I was feeling it. My poor husband would go to work and come home to help take care of me. Our people and family were amazing! Dinners were provided, flowers sent, cards and letters of support. I felt all of that love.
As days turned to weeks, I was healing both physically and emotionally. Mike and I spent a lot of time with my family who were able to treat us normally, and had stopped looking at us with sad eyes or concerned looks. As hard as it was things were going back to normal. We were figuring out how to go back to those little things that had lost all importance after our loss.
I went back to work on March 27th. I actually had to ask my doctor for an exception because he wanted me to take the full 6 weeks of recovery time, and that would mean the second week of April. The first week of April, however, was Spring Break and I was hoping that going back a couple of days before Spring Break would get the initial "I'm back" moments over with and I could return after the week off just as everyone else is and be as normal as possible. I found comfort in the normal. After a month or so of living in fear of seeing someone knew and having to explain or assure them that I was okay, I longed for the time when I could see someone and not see that pain in their eyes for me. I should clarify, it isn't because I don't appreciate the sympathy and concern. I definitely had moments where I needed all of that, and I NEVER want to ever give the appearance that I wanted Harper to be forgotten or blocked or ignored or anything of that nature. What I needed was someone to crack a joke, someone to tell me a story about their life that they might think isn't important but its what I needed and looked for. I remember going to my lash girl pretty soon after Harper's passing for a lash fill and going into her studio and listening for almost the entire appointment to her stories of what had been happening, or funny family things, or movies she had seen. She had paused in the beginning to let me know that she was going to continue talking not because she wasn't aware of me or thinking of me, but because she wanted to almost distract me and help keep my mind somewhere else. She was probably saving herself from a potential cry fest that would in turn ruin the perfect work she was doing, but her awareness and forethought of my mental state and need was really appreciated.
I don't know if I will ever be able to put into words exactly what I was needing or wanting, but going back to work a few days before a break gave me the ability to grieve with my coworkers (friends). I know they love me and in turn loved Harper and in their own way it was a loss for them too. At the same time, I also wanted to give them permission to be normal, and in my mind at the time that was done by being there for 3 days before a break, and returning with them after. It wasn't a perfect plan, but I actually think it worked out perfectly. I was excited to see them all again, and to have purpose. I think one of the hardest parts in the whole situation was having to be home on essentially my maternity leave without my baby to care for. There was a necessary time for my body and heart to heal, but I was ready to feel needed and busy and productive.
The first day back was as good as I could have imagined. Many hugs, tears, and love that I needed and appreciated. There were gifts and notes left for me on my desk and all I decided to take home and read/open because there was absolutely no way I would be able to keep my composure while thinking of my Harper girl. For the most part I returned back to normal, the busy time of the last 2 month of school. As much as I could I was feeling normal.
I am not sure exactly on the timeline, but I'd say by the end of April I received a phone call from my doctor while I was at school. Thankfully with my position I was able to go into my office and close the door to have this conversation. He had the results from the autopsy and pathology reports on my sweet girl. He reported that the reason for her passing was caused by a problem with the umbilical cord. He told me that where the cord entered her abdomen there had been a "tightening growth" that basically blocked the blood flow so she wasn't receiving all the nutrients she needed to grow and thrive.
He explained that this was a rare occurrence and that in over 20 years of his practice he had never seen something like this. A one in a million chance happening. He expressed that is wasn't something genetic, and basically that he didn't foresee it happening again in a future pregnancy and gave us the go ahead, when mentally and physically in a good place to try again. The hope of a family wasn't totally gone, and this was something to celebrate. I, of course, had to fight those thoughts of fear and anxiety, and I did find myself saying "Well if we were the one in a million, what stops something else from happening again?" Mike is really good at reminding me to be positive and not lose that hope or let fear overpower me.
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