1. Grief
The obvious one is the grief my husband and I were going through from losing our baby. The future plans that had to be redesigned, the feeling of loss and hopelessness. I honestly think we did a pretty good job at not letting ourselves slip into the grief. We both weren't working so we had a lot of quality time together. I cried a lot, he was strong- probably for me. We reflected, we prayed, we tried to stay positive, and we thanked our Heavenly Father for the time we had with her and the knowledge we would get to be with her again.
I would often find myself wrapping my hands around my belly like I did when I was pregnant only to realize and have to remind myself that she wasn't there. I missed her and my body missed her. I found myself crying over that longing and missing the most.
2. My body
I left the hospital without my baby, but my body didn't know that. This was my first baby, and I hadn't taken a delivery class or anything yet in preparation for delivering Harper. While the labor wasn't bad and she was so tiny I didn't tear or anything, I still had those postpartum symptoms and the anticipation of others. I was bleeding and as many of you know, got to wear the best mesh underwear and diaper sized pads for weeks. I bet it didn't really stop until 4 weeks after.
My body the few days after felt like I had ran a marathon. That epidural makes you feel all nice and pain free, but you don't realize what your muscles are going through. My muscles ached for a few days and I was grateful for the big ibuprofen I was prescribed.
After delivery the doctor came in and let me know that there was a possibility of my milk coming in the week after delivery and that I would need to wear tight sports bras and ice (or use cabbage leaves) to keep them cold so milk production wouldn't increase. I am happy to say that while I did leak a couple of times and had some tenderness I did not have the full milk production I have heard that others have had in a similar situation. It didn't last too long, but just enough to remind me that I didn't have control over my body and I didn't have my baby girl.
3. Planning a funeral
If all these things weren't enough the week after delivery Mike and I got to spend our days planning her burial. I have not experience much death in my life. At 34 years old I have only gone to the funerals of my great grandmothers, and those were when I was a child or teenager. I didn't know what to expect or how to plan it all.
My mother was very helpful for Mike and I, and while she was experiencing her own grief of her granddaughter she was able to make some phone calls and get some information that I couldn't do. Mike probably could, but we were happy when she volunteered. She called the mortuary and got information about the casket and everything associated with them. She called multiple cemeteries near us to get pricing on plots and burial.
I was SHOCKED at how much it all costs. We live near Olpin Mortuary in Pleasant Grove and it has these amazing lights that light it up at night so I went with what I knew. In the hospital they had said we needed to choose a mortuary to pick Harper up from Primary Children's Hospital after her autospy, so we choose Olpin. Paul Olpin was our contact and he was amazing. He called us on Tuesday and let us know he had picked her up. He left me a message because at the time I was not answering or talking on the phone and it was so sweet. He said he had picked up a beautiful little girl this morning and was taking care of her for us.
In the early days of the week my mother had been calling the different cemeteries in our area. Mike and I had gone for a drive to see which one we liked and what "felt right" to us. We lived in Pleasant Grove, but we didn't love the location of it. We ventured into the American Fork area and loved the views and location. My mom called them and got some pricing. Holy cow! Keep in mind- Harper was 10 inches long and 12 ounces. We didn't need a full plot, but the only sold full plots for $1200 a plot. Plus $400 to open the plot and $400 to close the plot. $2000 just for the plot seemed way out of our plans (especially since the medical bills were still coming). The nice lady at the American Fork cemetery told my mom about the Lehi cemetery and how they have an infant section of the cemetery that is specifically set aside for these circumstances.
She called over to Lehi and found that they sell the half size plots for $250 which included the opening and closing. Mike and I went over and the place is magical. It is peaceful. It is very sad as we walked around and looked at all the headstones. Most the babies are stillborn babies, or babies who lived for just a day or two. They have amazing flowers all around in the spring and summer and a statue in the middle of a mom, dad, and baby. It was a place filled with angels and Harper would be in good company.
On Wednesday Mike, my mother, and I went to meet with Paul at the mortuary. He let us know that they did graveside services for this circumstance for free and that he would give us his price for a casket. They had a little white one that was the smallest they made that we picked out. We decided on a date and time for the service and picked out Harper's headstone while we were there. The more things I could accomplish in one day the better.
Planning a funeral for my little tiny baby was the hardest thing I have ever done. Thankfully the lack of options made some of the more difficult things bearable. The casket was limited to one size and color. Easy enough. While I am not sure the state of my little ones body after an autopsy, I did give Paul a dress to put on her for her burial. He assured me that he would dress her himself and get her all ready. Here is the little pink dress she was buried in. It was gift from the hospital girl (Heather) who did so much to ease the pain of my loss.
The real hero of all of this to me, not to discredit my family, but it was Mike. He was Harper's pallbearer carrying her precious casket across the cemetery, he gave her eulogy, and dedicated her grave. His strength through it all was incredible. He doesn't always admit to being overwhelmed or nervous, but one of his tells for any of these feelings is that he cleans. The night before her funeral while I was just trying to keep it together, Mike was cleaning. It is how I knew it wasn't as easy for him as he made it seem. He was a trooper through it all, gave the most amazing talk on eternal perspectives and how Harper will forever change our lives. I wish I had it written down because I was just trying to keep my composure through it all and failed miserably.
We had so many friends and family attend and share in our celebration of Harper, cry with us, and share their love with us. It was a beautiful day.
My little nieces and nephew sang "Families can be Together Forever" and little Madi (the younger girl) was pretty emotional through most of Mike's speaking, and when it was their time to sing turned and looked at my sister almost to say "I can't do it" but she did a great job singing through it!
The snow came down while we were there and many people said that the
heavens were crying with us. I hope tears of joy.
The pictures aren't in any order really just a summary of the day. My sister graciously hosted a luncheon after for friends and family. The last one is the temporary marker that the cemetery gave her until her headstone could be put in in the spring. With the weather they don't like the put the headstones in until the springtime. Although the Spring of 2019 has turned out to be a wet one! It is raining as I am writing this!
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